PREMISE – Educate to respect
Being a parent today means moving in a complex territory, made up of rapid changes, new forms of relationships and often unprecedented educational challenges. Our children grow up in a world where words travel fast, images remain and relationships begin earlier and earlier, inside and outside of school, online and offline.
In this scenario, teaching respect is not something that can be taken for granted. It is not enough to “teach to be kind”: respect is built day after day, through the examples we offer, the way we speak, listen, intervene or choose not to intervene.
The topic of bullying often enters the lives of families suddenly: a phone call from the school, a child who no longer wants to go to class, a change in mood that is difficult to decipher. When this happens, it’s easy to feel unprepared, scared, or guilty. Yet bullying is not the failure of a single parent, but the sign of relational distress involving children, teenagers and adults.
Talking about it clearly, without alarmism or simplification, is the first step in helping our children grow in healthier relationships. Understanding what bullying is, why it occurs and what role family and school can have means taking care not only of those who suffer, but also of those who act and those who observe in silence.
Educating respect is a path that concerns everyone. And this is where we can start.
Educating respect does not just mean “teaching good manners”. It means helping children to stay in relationships, to recognize their own limits and those of others, to give a name to emotions and to manage conflict without turning it into violence.
Bullying does not arise suddenly and is not “just about school”. It is a phenomenon that grows over time, often in silence, and which also involves the adult world.
What bullying really is (and what it isn’t)
Bullying is not an occasional argument or a “slightly strong” character. It is a behavior that has three precise characteristics:
Intentionality: there is the desire to hurt, humiliate or dominate.
Repetition: the act is repeated over time.
Power imbalance: the victim is unable to defend himself, due to age, strength, social status or emotional fragility.
It can take different forms:
verbal (insults, teasing, threats);
relational (exclusion, isolation, spreading of rumors);
physics;
digital, through chat, social media and video games.
Minimizing with phrases like “they’re just jokes” or “they must learn to defend themselves” prevents us from grasping the real discomfort that is occurring.
Why bullying occurs: what is behind the behavior
One of the most difficult truths for a parent to accept is this: the person who bullies is very often a child or young person who has suffered. This doesn’t justify the behavior, but it explains it. Behind aggression are often found:
experiences of humiliation or devaluation (at home, at school, in the peer group);
lack of an adult to help read and contain emotions;
educational models based on control, fear or punishment;
difficulty feeling seen, recognized, important;
inability to manage frustration, anger and feelings of helplessness.
A child who hurts has not learned another way to be in relationship. He often hits others where he himself has been hit.
What if my child was involved?
Bullying affects all roles, not just the victim. The victim may show signs such as social withdrawal, somatization, mood changes, school refusal, sudden silences.
The bully is not always recognisable: he can be confident, popular, apparently “strong”. But behind it there is often a great emotional fragility. Viewers learn that staying silent is safer than intervening. This too is dangerous learning. As parents it is essential not to just ask ourselves “which side is my child on?”, but “what relational skills is he building?”.
The role of the school: alliance, not delegation
The school has a central role, but cannot act alone.
A school that prevents bullying works on emotional and relational skills, not just on rules. He observes group dynamics and not just individual behaviors and takes care to intervene early, before the labels (“bully”, “victim”) become fixed and, last but not least, he involves families in a collaborative, non- accusatory way.
When schools and parents communicate little or only in times of emergency, the risk is intervening too late. The words we use in our family matter more than we think. Children learn respect sooner at home than outside.
Phrases like:
“If they treat you badly, respond stronger”
“Don’t be a sissy”
“He who is weak succumbs”
they convey a precise idea: that strength is worth more than relationships.
Educating respect means:
giving words to emotions (“I see you are angry”);
teach to distinguish between anger and violence;
show how to fix a mistake, even as adults;
use language that does not humiliate, even in moments of fatigue.
Words build the image that a child has of himself and others.
Teaching respect does not mean being perfect parents. It means being present parents, willing to question themselves, to ask for help, to team up with other adults. Bullying is not fought with fear, but with meaningful relationships, being authoritative and coherent adults who bring clear messages of inclusion and responsibility.
Every child can learn to respect if they have first felt respected.
Every behavior can be corrected if it is first understood.
Teaching respect is, ultimately, teaching love.
Essential bibliography
Olweus, D. – Bullying at school. Oppressed kids, kids who oppress
Goleman, D. – Emotional intelligence
Lancini, M. – Experienced adolescents. How to sustain growth in the digital age
Cavanna, A. – Educating on emotions
Antonella Beggiato
